Resolved: Today, I am not going to cook a blessed (or darned) thing. We are swimming in leftovers and yet I cook, and bake, and cook some more. I love food, I care about nutrition and the best ways to feed my family, I'm committed to serving food made from scratch instead of processed junk. But it has accelerated into a train that is running away with me. I am cooking all the time, but for as much as I enjoy food, producing it is not an activity that soothes me. Being a boredom/stress eater, hanging out by the pantry and the bread basket is not a smart move for me anyway.
How does one step off of a runaway train? How does one avoid being swept off on another one? The answer, I begin to believe, is balance. But how can a person achieve such a state? And I pose the question - is it through focus? If I stay focused on the right things, will that not help me stay balanced?
But such ponderings still leave me wanting something practical. I think there are some tools that I will need. A menu to stick to. A schedule to keep things moving. Priorities to base them on.
Priorities? What are my priorities? When I look at my days I see that I am spending the bulk of my time on things that are good, but not what I care about most. I've done better about exercising, but am not consistent. I've done best at regular scripture study, but that, too, is such a small part of my day. I need to realign myself. And reconnect with myself.
Who am I, really? What do I love, where is my happy place? When I read a new recipe, I am intrigued. When I read a blog about nutrition, I am inspired. When I read the blog of a writer, I cry. I enjoy her excellent writing, and at the same time, a part of me mourns. Writing something - a children's book, a novel, a close study of a scriptural topic, a collection of poems - this is my most frequent goal that nothing is done about. Is this part of my constant stress, that I am not living true to my "authentic self"? When I go to bed at night, I do not think about what I can create in the kitchen the next day. I fall asleep thinking about the useful little things I could sew. As I go through the day, I am not thinking about what yummy things I could bake, I am running over and over the phrases I would write.
Of course it isn't all because I am cooking instead of writing that I am stressed and tired. There are a lot of ways that I am investing my time an efforts poorly. Like when I realized that sleeping in is not worth the lost opportunity to exercise. Even when I am tired and sleepy, my body gets more out of the exercises and stretches than out of another hour of sleep. I am tired, cranky, stressed out, unfulfilled because I am "spending my labor on that which cannot satisfy." It is like I am trying to feed a hard-working horse with plant food. I am filling my day with things that are not true to myself and cannot satisfy my needs.
Will this realization revolutionize my life? I really hope so. I feel like I am the poster child for Goals That Last One Week. (How I would love to break that fetter...) But what can I do but try? What can I do but make my list of priorities, and my schedule giving them each the time that is their due, and my planned menu for reigning in my Mad Chef? What can I do but plan, and pray for guidance and strength of will and focus?
"Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy." 2 Nephi 9:51
2 comments:
Wow Martha,
It sounds like you're aiming for some reorganization. That can be tough, but you can do it. And don't be too hard on yourself. I think you are amazing and accomplish so much. You asked if it is focus that helps you make a change. It made me think of what some apostle said about our thoughts, that we should replace bad ones with good ones. So, if you're getting rid of something it would probably help you avoid going back to it if you have a replacement. And, remember we accomplish things a little bit at a time. You can write your book even if you only spend 30 minutes a week writing. So, don't lose hope. I think you are doing great! Oh, maybe it would be helpful to keep a log of your goals and what you do. That way you write down what you've accomplished and get to see that you are making headway. I believe in you!
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